But, Diabetes.

I should be studying right now.

I should be focusing on my two exams tomorrow and three coming up next week. I should be getting my things together for that 6am wake up call that I will receive much earlier than I would like.

But, diabetes.

I saw a post recently of a girl who decided that from the moment she woke up until the moment she went to bed she would make a tally on her hand for every time she had a thought related to diabetes. Her hand was covered.

It doesn’t always hit me how often I think about diabetes, but as any person living with T1D knows, it pretty much never leaves our minds. Tonight, I settled into bed with my study guide and highlighters, set my alarm, and checked my dexcom app, only to see a sight that has become unfortunately terrifying for me.

My blood sugar was in range.

Sure, that’s the goal. I get that. However, the reality is that I now have found myself spending time worrying about that middle-of-the-night low that may or may not happen. IF, it happens, I will likely lose a very valuable hour, or more, of sleep that I should be getting to help ensure that I do my very best on my exams tomorrow. IF, I decide to have a night time snack to potentially prevent this low, I might end up with multiple high alarms through the night, and the inevitable brain fog that follows a night of highs.

There are certainly nights where things go right. I go to bed in range, stay in range, and wake up only to do it all over again the next day…but, then there are the nights where nothing goes right. Nothing I do seems to be the choice that my body wishes I had made.

These extra decisions, followed by extra anxiety, can be a lot to handle. No one wants to make life or death decisions constantly throughout the day and night, but some of us aren’t that lucky. I realize how negative I sound. Truth be told, I am feeling a little negative. I have found myself lately feeling more resentment towards diabetes than I prefer to have. While I am constantly learning in nursing school about all of the complications that can arise from diabetes, how can I not feel negative and resentful?

It’s hard to imagine a world where I didn’t live with diabetes.

….But, it’s also hard to imagine a world where I didn’t have the diabetes community, my story, my passion to serve others with diabetes, and all of the other beautiful things/people that I have because of diabetes. Sure, it’s nice to dream about a normal life where diabetes doesn’t exist, but a life without the things I have because of diabetes is not one that I care to dwell on.

So to any others out there feeling overwhelmed by that blood sugar on your screen or maybe even a little bit of diabetes burnout, remind yourself of your strength, your bravery, and your incredible talent for decision making. Give yourself a hug and some grace. We’ve all been there before and we will likely all go there again, but never alone.

All My Love,

TEG