I'm Not "Me" Today
Anxiety can be debilitating.
Out of no where, it can stop you dead in your tracks and make you question every thing that you believe to be true.
“Did I hurt their feelings?”, “Am I a good person?”, “Do they even like me?”, “Why did they change their tone with me?”
It isn’t a normal day for me if I don’t ask myself at least one of those questions. Sometimes, I ask them all multiple times throughout the day. There are times where I am ashamed to admit I have anxiety...the diagnosable kind, not the kind that we all feel when normally prompted by every day life. There are other times where I choose to ignore the fact that I live with anxiety all together. I tuck it away and disregard every sign my body gives me that I am in distress until it’s unbearable.
I was diagnosed with anxiety just before receiving my type 1 diabetes diagnosis. For those of you reading this that also have T1D, you might not be surprised by this. I have found in my own personal experience that having a low or high blood sugar can exacerbate feelings of anxiety, especially if you are running low or high for an extended period of time. When we were unsure of what was going on with me, many of my symptoms fit the description for anxiety. I was easily fatigued, irritable, had difficulty concentrating, and could not control my feelings of worry.
Looking back, I know now that I also experience those symptoms when my blood sugar runs high.
However, once I was diagnosed with diabetes and started on insulin, those symptoms did not go away. In fact, they got worse. Living with T1D can sometimes steal your sense of control over your life. You don’t know what the next day will bring. Will you be high? Will you be low? It’s almost never “you’re going to be in range all day!”. It is incredibly fair that this might cause extra anxiety...and in my opinion, it is incredibly fair if this causes you to have diagnosable anxiety.
There are days where I wake up and immediately know...I’m not “me” today. These mornings usually follow a night of high and low blood sugars, but sometimes they come unexpectedly. I’ve found that on those days, where it’s difficult to find peace, the best thing I can do is embrace it. We all have bad days. We all have days where we don’t feel like ourselves. We all have days where we don’t feel like things are ever going to get better.
But thankfully those days don’t last.
I am working to accept my anxiety still to this day. I remind myself constantly of truths like I can believe that God has a plan, and still have anxiety. I can believe that things will get better, and still have anxiety. Some days these truths are enough, and other days they’re just words, but if you’re struggling with anxiety, I am with you.
There is never shame in seeking help, talking about your anxiety, or even being medicated. Your feelings are valid. Anxiety is real.
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